Figuring things out
by lyviel
Summary: Asexual Inquisitor and Dorian discuss their relationship
1. Chapter 1

Dorian was lounging on the Inquisitor's couch, book in hand. Spending his evenings here definitely had its perks. The most obvious was escaping the incessant noise of Leliana's birds, but he couldn't deny that the view was quite nice. He couldn't help but steal glances at the Inquisitor himself, who was currently sitting at his desk, hunched over with quill in hand. Then, of course, there was his reading spectacles. Adaar was large and intimidating in appearance, but with those perched on his nose it completely ruined the illusion. Also, it was incredibly endearing. He seemed a bit restless tonight, however, and Dorian caught him staring fixedly at the same sheet of paper for much too long. It didn't exactly surprise Dorian when he finally set his quill and spectacles aside and spoke.

"I need to talk to you," Adaar said, standing from his desk to approach.

"About how much you adore me, I assume? I hear it so often."

Dorian spoke casually, making sure no hint of concern was evident as he moved his feet so the Inquisitor could sit beside him. The comment had been facetious of course, but it was better than addressing the sinking feeling in his chest whenever he heard those words, wondering if this was it, if this was when it all blew up in his face and he was reminded painfully, once again, why he shouldn't let himself care so much, why he shouldn't hope. And the flippancy and arrogance was so much easier. Perhaps for the Inquisitor as well. If he was going to break things off, Dorian would rather he hurry up and get it over with.

"When I said I wanted to take things slow, I wasn't being completely truthful," the Inquisitor began rather awkwardly.

"There are oh so many ways that can be taken, Inquisitor. I'm afraid you'll have to be a tad more specific."

Adaar looked so apprehensive, something completely unfamiliar given his usually stoic and confident features. Although he generally appeared serious, Dorian had seen his fellow mage friendly and generous to his friends, fierce and unyielding against his enemies, even excited when his research paid off, but this was only the second time he'd seen him like this, so nervous and out of his element. The last time had been the very conversation he was referring to. Dorian tried not to think about how adorable it was, and how nice it was being able to see new sides to him. That wasn't going to make anything easier for either of them.

"I, um, I like you, a lot," he began. "And I enjoy our time together, but I don't want you to enter into a relationship with me without all the facts. I've had relationships before, of course, but they never exactly ended well." He was rushing through, speaking quickly as if afraid he might lose his nerve and that was too damn endearing too. He even glanced away, rubbing at the back of his neck.

"And why, pray tell, is that?" Dorian asked as casually as he could.

"Um, well, I'm not particularly fond of sex." That wasn't what Dorian had expected and it sort of took him by surprise. Adaar hurried on, seeming almost desperate to explain himself. "As I'm sure you've heard, sex under the Qun is much more casual, just another need to take care of. Quite a few of the others in my mercenary group came from there and treat it the same way. But I never really had that need. I was told I just needed to sleep around more to get used to it, or that I just hadn't found the right partner yet. I was even told by one partner that it's because I'm too cold, that I'm incapable of ever truly loving someone because I didn't want anyone that way. I don't know, maybe he was right."

It was absurd, thinking that Adaar couldn't fully love someone, that his romantic relationships could have ever been considered lesser for it. Dorian had seen his deep passion, his affection that was nearly overwhelming just in a glance let alone the way he practically enveloped Dorian when they kissed. Adaar was considerate and kind and never made Dorian think something was lacking with what they already had right now.

It was true that there were things Dorian had fantasized about, but what they already had felt so much more important than anything he had had in the past and he would never dream of asking Adaar to do more than he wanted. The Inquisitor had nothing to prove, he wasn't missing anything or incapable of a fulfilling relationship. Dorian was stunned for a moment and Adaar looked away, perhaps assuming the silence was his answer, but Dorian reached out and took one of his large hands, holding it securely.

"I care about you, I want to make you happy," Adaar said, eyes downcast. "But I think I'm never going to change. I've tried and it- it doesn't work that way. I don't know if I can give you everything you need, everything you deserve in a relationship."

"Now that right there is ridiculous," Dorian said more sharply than he'd intended.

"Which part?" Adaar asked with a nervous laugh

"That last bit," Dorian said. "You've already given me more than I thought possible. You do make me happy, as saccharine as that is. You're fine as you are. So do you want this relationship or not? Because I am a very busy man and-"

"Yes," Adaar said with so much certainty and conviction it brought Dorian to a halt.

"Well all right then," Dorian said, feeling his lip twitching up in a smile.

"And you're sure you're fine with trying this?" Adaar asked, still apprehensive. "A relationship, I mean, and everything that comes with it, just...no sex."

"Of course," Dorian replied. "So long as you specify your boundaries, I see no problem at all."

"Would you mind very much if I kissed you?" Adaar asked, a relieved smile on his lips that was also oh so endearing.

"I rather insist on it, actually," Dorian said, grinning at him. "You've been ignoring me all evening and I am quite offended."

"And here I was waiting for you to interrupt my work," Adaar said, chuckling as he brought a hand up to gently stroke his cheek.

"My, Inquisitor, if we keep this dance going we'll never get anywhere."

"So are you going to kiss me? Or would you rather continue this banter-"

Dorian interrupted him, pulling him close and kissing him. Adaar's arms wrapped around his waist and he felt content, at home in a way, and happier than he thought possible. He didn't know what the future held for them, but he knew he cared for Adaar and he knew that this, at least, they could figure out together.


	2. Chapter 2

Sen enjoyed spending his evenings like this, he and Dorian together, both of them sitting on the couch before the fire reading their own books. It was a casual intimacy that he treasured, feeling comfortable enough that the silence didn't bother them. Well, usually they were both reading. Right now Sen was too distracted, fidgeting and unable to focus on the page before him. Dorian had to have noticed by now but said nothing. Sen was never good at handling awkwardness, however, and he eventually had to speak.

"Are you sure you're okay with this?"

"Inquisitor, unless there's something you haven't told me, we're just sitting on a couch. I'm not even sure Mother Giselle could object if she walked in right now. Unless of course you're reading a book I recommended, of course." There was a flippancy in his words that Sen didn't quite buy and he felt guilty. He hadn't meant it to sound quite so ominous.

"No, I mean," Sen started again, fiddling restlessly with the end of his long braid. "It's just, it's obvious I feel differently than most when it comes to how I'm interested in men. I just experience it differently and I want to make sure you understand that."

"Still being awfully vague, amatus," Dorian said, finally glancing at him, eyebrow raised.

"I've tried to talk about what I feel, or maybe how I feel, or what I don't feel? I don't know," Sen tried again, searching desperately for the right words. It was difficult when he lacked any other experiences than his own. He wasn't completely sure how to describe it. "One partner, he told me it wasn't real. He told me I was just sick or that there was something wrong with me. He thought I could be fixed, that perhaps if I slept around enough I'd get used to it, learn to like it."

"That sounds like nonsense, even to me," Dorian said, snapping his book shut and turning to face Sen.

"Another, well," Sen continued, unable to really look at Dorian. "He told me I must not really be interested in men. Whatever attraction I felt couldn't be real unless I felt the same way he did, unless I wanted sex as well. I must not really be attracted to him or want him. He said any relationship I would ever have would always be lacking."

"What makes anyone think you're the one who could possibly be lacking something?" Dorian demanded, making Sen finally look up at him, surprised by the anger in his voice.

"Because I don't want something everyone else seems to?" Sen said tentatively, unsure what answer Dorian was looking for.

"'Everyone' is a bit of a stretch," Dorian said with a dismissive gesture. "But regardless, to prove my point, how is it you feel about me then? About us?"

"You're- amazing," he began earnestly. "You're brilliant and so strong and you cast magic like it's art, I've never seen anything so beautiful. And you seem confident even when you're not, which says more about your bravery than anything. You're handsome too, sometimes I look at you and I forget to breathe- and I'm rambling and you're teasing me, aren't you? There are easier ways to get me to compliment you," Sen said, sighing at Dorian's grin.

"Yes, well, I like to get creative. But back to my point; I'm perfectly satisfied with our current arrangement. Nothing has ever felt lacking, in you or in what we have. You're the one insisting on trying out a proper relationship, remember? This is already more than I was expecting. And your feelings are obviously genuine. Perhaps too obvious, quite frankly. I'm certain the entire inner circle is aware of our relationship. Just the other day I heard Varric starting a bet on how long it will take you to ask me out. Won't he be surprised to learn I already made the first move?"

"I'm scared," Sen said after a moment and he felt Dorian's hand seek his out, twining their fingers together. "I've long since realized that this is all I'm ever going to be, but I'm so afraid it won't ever be enough. I look at you and, more than anything, I want you to be happy, but maybe I'm the one standing in the way of that. Maybe I'm just not meant to be in any sort of relationship. I've seen what it's like, I've watched people slowly give up on me when they realize I can't change no matter how much I want to. I've hurt so many people and if this isn't enough, if you're hoping I'll change- I just don't want you to go through that hurt, not if I can help it. I'd give you everything if I could, and I'm so sorry that I have so little to offer."

"That's enough of that," Dorian said, taking Sen by surprise by swinging around to straddle his lap, gently taking his face in his hands despite the force of his words. "I'd argue they weren't the ones hurt by all of this. You've been nothing but honest. They were the ones who made you doubt yourself and I find I have a with a sudden urge to set them on fire."

"That's really not necessary," Sen said with a laugh he didn't quite feel.

"Fine, but I'm perfectly capable of deciding what does and doesn't make me happy and I'll thank you not to try to decide for me." Dorian sighed and continued on more soberly, hand caressing his cheek up to his horn and back. "I already told you I have no idea how to do any of this, no examples to turn to when I don't know where to step next. I don't have any answers, but right now, what I do know is that you make me happy. I don't know what the future has in store, for us or anyone, but I do know one thing; I never want you to change."

"But what if I can't truly love someone the way I am right now?"

"That's rubbish if I've ever heard it," Dorian said, kissing him gently. "You're the most caring person I know."

Sen finally brought his arms up to wrap tightly around Dorian, holding him close, burying his face in his shoulder. He wasn't sure if he was fully convinced or not, but he trusted Dorian. One way or another they could work things out.

"Would you tell me more about how you feel?" Dorian asked after a brief silence simply holding each other.

"What's wrong, are you looking for more compliments?" Sen replied with a little laugh. "But yes, of course I don't mind. Did you have something you wanted to ask?"

"I'm always eager to learn more about you," Dorian said, placing a kiss to his forehead. "Besides, some of what you've said about how you experience attraction sound rather familiar. Perhaps not everything, but I'd like to know more. Perhaps you're not as alone as you think."

"How do you always know just what to say?" Sen said, voice partially muffled as he buried his face in Dorian's neck, grinning and hoping his blush wasn't too obvious. He still couldn't help but feel apprehensive, but right now Dorian was happy, and so was he, and that was all that really mattered.


End file.
